titus n. owl

So I like picking up crappy 1960s romance novels, and I got this one that is like SUPER GOFFIK. It is "Orphan of the Shadows" by Paula Minton. The main character is an orphan whose father was a Nazi. Her non-Nazi uncle (dad's brother) and his wife took her in and raised her like she was their own. The heroine spends all her time doing pottery and angsting about how terrible it was that her father was a Nazi.

This is the uncle's first appearance:
And then the girl wants to take a trip to Europe and her uncle is way down on the idea and doesn't want her to go. OBVIOUSLY it's going to turn out that he's afraid she will discover the truth: HE was the Nazi, and he framed his brother for it so he could escape!

And this book was written in 1965, so obviously after the girl finds this out her uncle has to go into hiding, so he takes up a job as a mercenary by 1968. There. I've solved TF2.

It wasn't until the 1920s that sentries began to be electrical, and you could still find engineers clinging to the old clockwork-and-coilspring designs well into the '40s. Dispensers, being little more than prestocked ammo caches with a canister of Unspecified Liquid bolted on, took even longer to advance technologically; the earliest known electrically-powered dispenser (which had an automated Unspec release valve, taking advantage of the recent invention of a new method of storing Unspec as a pressurized gas) was made by S. H. Eppstein in 1934. This was not, of course, due to any laxity on the part of the Engineers of the time; the state of the art was far from stagnant, and multiple variants on existing machines were produced over this period, but there was simply very little that could meaningfully be done to change or improve them in any significant way until the discovery of teleportational technology in 1949. By 1952 teleportation had been perfected enough to be used for restocking Dispensers, essentially turning them into bottomless ammo caches with a canister of Unspec bolted on. The final piece of the Engineering trifecta was in place by September of 1958, when the first teleporters capable of more-or-less-reliably transporting living people were introduced (although it took quite a few years after that for the scale to start skewing towards "more" rather than "less").

Early Spies, therefore, had a range of equipment quite different from their modern counterparts'. For many decades the best, most useful, and most reliable piece of equipment any Spy could carry was simply a pair of strong wire-cutters, and a good wrench was so useful for so long that there are many adult Spies today who can remember working with or studying under an older member who kept a captured Uhlman on him at all times. (This custom remains in some circles to this day; however, it is now commonly regarded as a sort of good luck charm, and rarely if ever does the wrench get used.)

Even as electrical sentries came into play, the wire-cutters remained the primary weapon against technology. Sappers, designed to disrupt or overload the circuitry of the machine, existed as early as 1924 (the first design was patented merely days after the debut of the earliest known electrical sentry), but few Spies bothered to use them; they were heavy to carry and could take dangerously long to set up, besides the necessary delay until the vacuum tubes that powered most early models warmed up and the sentry went down. Simply knowing which wires to cut - or even not knowing, and snipping wildly - was far more efficient.

Obviously, a Spy who needed to manually disarm sentry guns and dispensers required a certain amount of technical knowledge and training. In the early days through most of the inter-War period, this was generally gained "on the job" through liaison (personal or professional) with the Engineer on the team. As IBAE became more exclusionary and withdrawn, particularly during and after the Second World War, this method of instruction became unavailable to the majority of Spies.

This social factor combined with the ever-increasing pace of technological advance to quickly and heavily increase Spies' dependence upon sappers, which were now far more efficient and, thanks to the advent of transistors in 1947, small enough to easily carry - even conceal - on the person. The formation of UIEEI and founding of l'Université de l'Espionage in the post-war years helped to fill the gap in Spies' educations, providing classroom training and further instruction to make up for the increasing hostility of the Engineers who had once been unofficially responsible for the spread of such information.

In a circular fashion, of course, the increasing insularity of Engineers led to the increasing insularity of Spies and thus exacerbated the ever-present, ever-growing tensions between the two classes. It is difficult for any historian to compare the Spy and Engineer of the Roaring '20s, both dusty and oil-coated as they bend together over the incapacitated shell of an enemy sentry gun, with the Spy and Engineer of today, glaring at each other and exuding enmity regardless of their status as teammates; or even the Spies alone, one so familiar with the objects he destroys that he could very likely rebuild them again and one with neither training nor interest - without feeling that something has been lost.

Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: man i suck at playing shortstop
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: it's a tough position
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: shortstop's stupid shootygun takes forever to rebullet
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: rebullet?
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: rebullet???
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: yeah because he has to like
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: pump the stick
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: to make it rebullet
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: the scattergun doesn't have bullets
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: it has shells
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: ....of all the stupid things i'm saying
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: you chose that one
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i lolled
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: I love your words Owl
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: call
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i hear a lot of people complain about the fireman's lighter
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and they say they run out of petrol for it
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but i never run out of petrol for my lighter
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: v(._.)v
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: me the problem is that the lighter, you know, you have to be right next to the thing
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and i have my mousewheel to make the switchy
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but i always end up overwheeling
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and instead of getting the boomstick
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i get the hatchet
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and the hatchet doesn't help when you're trying to shoot a colored man who is farther away than your lighter :C
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: those fucking colored men blow me up all the time
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: um
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: you sound like Abe Simpson
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: with their fucking katamaris
Fredrick says, "ебать!": I think it's hilarious that the fireman's hatchet can take out an oblivious enemy faster than the flamethrower
Fredrick says, "ебать!": THEY ARE NOT KATAMARIS
Fredrick says, "ебать!": THEY ARE BUMBLE-BALLS
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: oh right
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: What the fuck are you playing Owl?
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: sorry :3c i get my words mixed up sometimes
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but yeah the fireman's hatchet you can hit somebody two times and boom
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: if you get a Super Good Hit with your hatchet you can kil lthem right away sometimes
Fredrick says, "ебать!": ..what's the name for the burce?
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: does the lighter ever have Super Good Hits?
Fredrick says, "ебать!": YEs.
Fredrick says, "ебать!": Long ones.
Fredrick says, "ебать!": If you're ever standing with a Food Box and playing as the fireman, using the lighter constantly, sometimes you'll hear the electricity going "fsschshcshshdhhhschwa" for about 2.5 seconds straight
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: crocodile dundee pisses me off
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: because you die and then you see crocodile dundee and he's like all the way over on the other side of the world
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: what the fuck
Fredrick says, "ебать!": waving at you
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\: i'm lost
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i played as crocodile dundee once in a two people game with wol
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and i never used my telescope gun
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i just used the quickshooty
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: because you can rebullet it really fast
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and i like that
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: teh telescope gun puts dots on things too and then she saw it
Fredrick says, "ебать!": I don't like the telescopegun having the nut-movement rebullet mechanism
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: so i just used the quickshooty
Lord Anubis/=TFZ=\ left chat.
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: oh yeah that's the other problem with the telescope gun, the rebullet every single time and it takes forever :C
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: hahaha anubis isn't very bright is he
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: if he couldn't follow this
Fredrick says, "ебать!": (((we're faggots)))
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i've never done standing-up-close fighting with crocodile dundee
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: so i don't know if his steak knife is any good
Fredrick says, "ебать!": His steak knife is VERY good
Fredrick says, "ебать!": one crit will take out a sneakyman at full life
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: is a crit a Super Good Hit?
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: yeah
Fredrick says, "ебать!": Yeah
Fredrick says, "ебать!": (((Dammit)))
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: oh ok
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: do you ever play as the rocket man?
Fredrick says, "ебать!": PACKED HIS BAGS
Fredrick says, "ебать!": PREFLIGHT
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: No I suck as Shatner
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i don't like playing as the rocket man because he walks really slow
Fredrick says, "ебать!": NEONATAL HOUSEFLY
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: XD
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: call
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i forget what his second weapon is
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: he has the rocket gun and he has the diggy stick
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: fat boy has fisticuffs
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and a tank gun
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: wol usually plays as a construction worker
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: she's a pretty good construction worker because she knows good places to put robot guns
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but you have to put your lunchbox down first
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and she forgets to do that
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i have to say that even though i like the sneakythief a lot
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i don't play him very well
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i have never ever managed to put the little boombox on a robot gun
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: even when i go indivisibles :C
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i don't htink going indivisibles works on robot guns
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i think they still see you
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: Me too
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: those robot guns and there seeing eyes
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but if you are only playing with two people and the other person is a construction worker you can't pretend to be in their club
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: they're
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: they'll know that you're not them!
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: so what do you do to make the robot gun go away?
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i am a terrible sneakythief :C
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: but it is fun to poke people in their behinds
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and sneakythief does that a lot <:3c
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: he has a leathermans
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: for poking people
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: XD
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i think the sneakyman should be able to like
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: throw a blanket on top of a robot gun
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: to make its seeing eye not work
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: also i think it's funny that the nazi and the fat boy are boyfriends
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: nazi is what wol plays when she gets tired of being a construction worker
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: Oh man. I know
Ensign Spazz B. Spazzbot IV: Don't they know you can get cooties!
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: i always play fireman so she goes nazi and she follows me around
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and she gives me healings
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: with her band-aid gun
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and then we go indestructibles
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: and i get lost :C
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: everything goes shiny blue when you're indestructibles
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: it's confusing
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: ALSO I HATE NAZI'S DART GUN
Owl O. de l'Owlet, Lord Blaney: those darts fucking fall down :C

Medium: Fanfic based on a video game
Fandom: Team Fortress 2, the fic!verse that cupiecake and I have invented
Subject: Spy/Scout, As Emo As Possible
Title: There Is No "Zis"
Warnings: NC-17 CONTENT BELOW THE CUT I REPEAT NC-17 HOMOSEXUAL (SLASH) CONTENT OF VARYING LEVELS OF EXPLICITNESS
Notes: The mix is arranged in the way that I felt flows best musically. Each track is accompanied by a lyrical snippet and a ficlet or a small section of a longer fic which has been inspired by/chosen for its appropriateness to the lyrical snippet. Because, like I said, the mix goes for musical flow, the "timeline" in the ficlets jumps around a lot; I hope this isn't too confusing to you. 

All fic is a joint venture between cupiecake and myself - I'm not sure I could tell you at this point who wrote which.

The fic!verse (also the 'verse in which my RPG is set) posits that Team Fortress 2 is a deathmatch-style reality tv show in a wartorn, dystopic future. This mix and its ficlets explore the Spy, the Scout, how they deal with being stuck in the arena until they die, and how they relate to TTLY WUV each other.

(click here to download without reading the gay - .zip, 94 mb)




"Michel," he said finally, still staring at the floor between his feet, "I did not mean for zis to happen." One gloved hand gestured vaguely between them. "I did not mean - to worry you."
"There is no 'zis,' cockfag. And I wasn't fucking worried - "

( track listing, ficlets, pr0n )