(no subject)

[titusnowl]

me: he killed three men to get that drumstick - their blood is spattered on his shirt - and now this woman is insisting upon presenting her buttocks when all he wishes to do is dine
other: I'm thinking it's a bbq sauce made from the blood of the men he killed, which the drumstick then was marinated in.
me: and now this woman, she farts on his head
me: why do you fart on my head? he asks
me: i want only to eat this drumstick marinated in the blood of the men i have killed
me: i do not ask for farts on my head
other: Oh, but it's a greeting native to her country.
me: this was not outlined in his pre-mission briefing
other: his superiors know.  they're actually laughing at him right now.
me: those bastards
other: too right
me: even as he looks at her and attempts not to inhale too deeply lest he be put off his drumstick, he is attempting to frame his report in his mind
me: "Do I mention this head-farting?"
other: ".. No.  They'll talk about it for WEEKS around the water-cooler."
me: he gets back and hands in the report, sans head-farting, and they drop hints - "how did you enjoy the native hospitality?"
other:  And then he kills them and marinates a turkey in their blood-bbq-sauce.  And eats it.  After cooking, of course, because we don't want any diseases.
me: He's had to switch agencies a lot.
(the peanut gallery): the correct response is not "it STANK" because that is a terrible pun.
me: he sure does like his blood-bbq-sauce - is he a vampire, or just strange?
other: I think he's one of those vampire-enthusiasts who pretend to be vampires.
other: With the ceramic fangs.
other: from Hot Topic.
me: and yet he's very good at being a secret agent otherwise, so it's just kind of accepted.
me: "oh, yeah, he thinks he's a vampire.  good guy, though."
other: "The cape around the office is kind of weird."
me: "oh, is that why he's always late to work - like, won't go out in the sun or something?" "no, that's just because he keeps taking the B train instead of the D and ends up having to walk the last six blocks."
me: (it's a very laid-back secret agent office. in manhattan.)
other: Secret Squirrel is their mascot?
me: entirely.
me: he keeps petitioning to change it to a bat
me: "Bats are very detectivey.  Batman, for instance, is a detective."
me: "We all know it's because you think you're a vampire, Jack."