Rules

[titusnowl]

With a nod toward this Kirk/Mccoy fic, which I cribbed from literally for the first list because reading it made me laugh at how neatly it illustrates my hypothesis that all people named Jim are interchangeable.

On the door of Dan's fridge, taped around all four edges with yellowing cellotape because sticking it up with magnets was not permanent enough, there is a sheet of paper covered with scribbles.

RULES FOR JIM.
1. No girls in my apartment.
2. Stop leaving things on the floor.
3. That includes your clothes. Hamper if they need washed, fold them over a chair if you plan to put them back on.
4. That DEFINITELY also includes empty bottles. I almost broke my neck.
5. Don't read over my shoulder, it's annoying.
6. Don't read OUT LOUD over my shoulder, it's even more annoying.
7. Don't read out loud period. It's annoying.
8. No making prank calls with my phone.
9. Stay the hell out of the station unless you've been arrested. I don't want to see you while I'm working.
10. For the love of God, don't keep anything in the fridge longer than a week. There was something GROWING.
11. It was PURPLE.
12. What did I say about girls?
13. You are not allowed to refer to me as your "gentlemen caller" where anyone else can hear it. This definitely includes ANSWERING MY PHONE FOR ME.
14. Don't lick me.
15. you like it when i lick you
16. Don't write on my list, Jim.
17. I don't mind doing your laundry, but I do mind finding girls' underpants in with it. Seriously, Jim. Seriously.
18. Also we need milk.

On the door of Jim's fridge, held on by anywhere from one-half to six assorted magnets and covered with motor-grease fingerprints, there is a corrolary.

RULES FOR DAN.
1. If you want milk in your coffee you get milk for your own damn coffee. I like mine like I like my women.
2. I didn't know coffee came in "promiscuous."
3. Fuck you, Danny boy, how come you get to scrawl on my list and I don't get to add on yours?
4. Because your list only has one thing on it, and it's not even a rule.
5. New rule: you ain't aren't allowed to count my rules
6. Jim, you're numbering them.
7. Go to hell, Danny. Also new rule: all poker nights is are strip poker nights.
8. Stop fixing my grammar god dammit

If Ponce believed in being this straightforward about things, his list would resemble the following.

1. No-one but me is allowed to touch the coffee.
2. The above includes all implements involved in the making thereof, as well.
3. Do try not to get jealous.
4. The sort of jealousy which results in a very entertaining evening is permissible or even encouraged, but nothing beyond that.
5. I will very willingly attend to the sharpening of any bladed weaponry. Reciprocation in the form of looking after firearms is appreciated, but not strictly required.
6. Paying attention to my verbal ramblings is technically optional, but being obvious about the fact that you're ignoring me is not appreciated.
7. If there is less than two drinks' worth in the bottle, try to be certain there's a replacement for it before continuing.
8. I have my ashtrays strategically placed for maximum efficiency. Do not attempt to move them.
9. If I'm not making any sense, just accept that I, at least, am finding the nonsense entertaining, and move on.
10. If you really need to know, ask twice.
11. If asking twice doesn't work, stop asking.
12. I'm terribly picky about aftershaves and colognes. Restricting yourself to simply smelling like soap would be preferable.
13. Not a single teasing word about the accent, even if I brought it up myself, and I am not a "frog."
14. If you catch me acting responsible, try to pretend that you didn't.
15. If we have a row or something I'd appreciate it if you could try to make it as clear as possible whether it is A Lovers' Spat or A Fight, so that I can respond appropriately. Pretend, in this case, that I am stupid and cannot differentiate between them on my own.
16. Please be careful with my clothing, it's worth more than I am.
17. You can still do inappropriate things with my ties, I don't mind that in the least.
18. If I'm talking in my sleep just nudge me until I roll over. I apologize in advance.