titus n. owl

THE BATTLE OF SPIDER BATH, 6TH MAY 2011. IMPERIAL FORCES TRIUMPHANT.

Huge fuckoff spider in bathtub. Like, Australian style, huge fuckoff spider. Had the kind of legs that looks like it can jump. I hate jumping spiders. Francis does not hate anything as much as I hate jumping spiders. I can handle a spider that doesn't jump. I can allow a standard, small, non-jumping spider to live; they take care of other pests and are generally polite enough to stay the fuck out of sight. I cannot suffer the jumping spider to live. At the same time I'm kind of terrified of trying to kill them, because I have a distinct memory of the time we discovered that my father's lean-to shed was infested with wolf spiders, I tried to step on one, and it jumped onto my leg and ran over my body. No. That is not okay. That is never okay.

So I was faced with a quandary. Cannot suffer spider to live. Afraid to attack spider. Justin's asleep in next room, but I can't wake another dude up just to stomp a spider for me. Had to man up. It is a quirk of my psyche that when I have a hard time talking myself into doing something, being given a direct order to get that thing done enables me to overcome my fears. Couple of friends obliged in giving said order. Manned the fuck up about it, just as keikaku.

Wanted a ranged weapon, as no matter how manup I am, I will not attempt to step on a spider that might be a jumping one if there's any other way around it. Best thing I could find was the metal baseball bat I keep next to the door. It's flat on the end, I could poke with that.

First blow, spider moved. Pulled bat back, spider was dangling from it by length of web. On bright side, wasn't jumping! Still, not yet dead. Swung spider around to get it directly behind end of bat, flattened bat against inside of tub. Retracted bat. Spider on tub, but still trying to crawl away. Third blow finished him.

Metal bat on inside of tub: incredibly noisy. Am amazed Justin managed to sleep through it.

Feels simultaneously anticlimactic and accomplished. All that drama for one dead spider.

Corpse barely fit through the thing in the drain.